Straight From The Fridge Jan. 2017

Originally Published Janurary 6, 2017 at

The Saturday Evening Ghost is a web zine that features genre bending serial fiction, "humor writing", silly graphics, and most importantly, my advice.

In addition to my ground breaking wisdom and advice column, I also am a feature on their monthly podcast.

I give this web zine my wisdom each month and they give me a hard time about everything. Please, go visit them and read their stories- no one else is.

Tell them Hugo sent you.

Here is what you missed:

Dear The Rev. Dr. Holmesnow,

I am a young mother of a younger child and I have a suspicion that he has started "vaping". I have noticed a slight increase in cognitive function, a common side effect of  Nicotine use, and he often smells like fruity breakfast cereal. Also, his room is full of weird looking tiny bottles and strange electric things.

I don't know what to do. I've tried worrying, saying nothing and yelling at my husband until he goes "Aggggh!!" but it hasn't been working like it usually does. How can I tell if my son is smoking vapes? This is tearing the family apart.

About to Burst in Jersey City, NJ

Dear ATB,

I doubt very much that you could recognize the cognitive enhancement properties of Nicotine use if it bit you in the face and wore a sign stating what it was.

If you had read my books "What is Wrong With You? An Introduction to What is Wrong With You" and "Conquer Your Dreams: Defeat Your Dreams and Accomplish Your Goals" you would not be troubled by your son's rebellious behavior. Instead you would be well on your way to realizing you have a long way to go before you're the kind of person who can so harshly judge another.

Dear The Rev. Dr. Holmesnow,

I am 11 years old and love your column and books. My parents gave me all your books after they bought them and didn't like them. I want to be just like you when I grow up. Do you have any advice for me?

Lil Life Coach

Dear LLC,

You are already 11 years old and have yet to be abandoned by your parents. I doubt you have been trained as a shaman either. If you want to follow in my footsteps you will need a time machine to correct your parents mistake of not stranding you in the jungle.

Failing a time machine you must do this- you must run away from your home and its parents.  Only when you are free of their oppressive grasp will you begin to grow.

If you can or will not leave the sociopaths that own you, you can read my upcoming book "What's Wrong With Me? The Hugo Holmesnow Story." In it you will read about the pain I endured to become the powerful being I am today. My pain is not your pain, but it is better than no pain.

Dear The Rev. Dr. Holmesnow,

Every year my family goes to visit my wife's parents in California. We live on the East Coast and it is very expensive to travel with our 4 children. This year, I lost all my jobs and my wife left me and took half the kids. Not two complete children, but half of all four. I'm left with two lower parts, a right side and a left side.

Despite all of this, my former in-laws are insisting that we visit anyway and have even offered to help me with the travel costs. I told them that money could be better used sewing or gluing their grandchildren back together. Well, that didn't make them happy at all.

I don't understand how my kids are still alive and why my in laws want us to visit so badly. I'm so confused.


Dear Confused,

This reminds me of something that happened my sophomore year of life coach college. I'll spare you the details, but rest assured that your in-laws are working under the influence of a powerful demon who demands all people get cut in half and then remain alive. This is the nature of many humans and demons.

As you have already realized, yours is a dire situation and needs special care and attention. My books, while helpful, will do you no good at the moment.

You need more.

You need me.

I am on my way to your home as you read this. Do not worry.