Striaght From The Fridge Feb. 2017

Originally Published February 10, 2017 at www.saturdayeveningghost.com

The Saturday Evening Ghost is a web zine that features genre bending serial fiction, "humor writing", silly graphics, and most importantly, my advice.

In addition to my ground breaking wisdom and advice column, I also am a feature on their monthly podcast.

I give this web zine my wisdom each month and they give me a hard time about everything. Please, go visit them and read their stories- no one else is.

Tell them Hugo sent you.

Here is what you missed:



Dear Dr. Hugo,

I bought your book “What is Wrong With You” and read the entire thing. I didn’t really find out anything about what was wrong with me, only stuff about the things that have caused me to have things wrong with me. Puzzled by this phenomenon, I bought your second book “Conquer Your Dreams” and also read that one too. I didn't really learn how to do anything from that book, only that it is bad to have dreams and want to do something with your life.

I already felt this way before I bought and read your books. I felt and feel worse now than I did before I read them. Are you coming out with a third book? If so, I’ll buy it and read it but doubt it will help me.

What should I do?

Tom

Dear “Tom”,

I wish I could thank you for buying and reading my books, but I can’t. I can’t because you did not address your letter properly. If you read my last advice column, you would have noticed that confused people address me as the “Rev. Dr. Holmesnow”, not “Dr. Hugo”.

It is improper of you to assume such blatant familiarity with me. Have you ever heard of transference? I didn’t think so. It is something that happens where clients fall in love with me because I am fixing their lives for them. The only way this can be stopped is by using a formal means of addressing me. This makes our roles in each other’s lives clear and implies romantic non-sense should not happen. You have muddied those sacred waters.

By using such a casual tone, I assume you have fallen in love with me. I cannot return your love. The love of someone who refuses the help I offer through my books, advice columns and other ways is no good to me. If you truly care about me, you will at least respect this.

Also, it has been customary for some time to sign your letter with a clever phrase that spells something that ideally amuses me.  Failing that, you should at least endeavor to sign your letter with an adverb or similarly-functioning word.

For example, last time someone had a terrible problem and asked for my advice. They signed that letter “Confused”.

You signed your’s “Tom”.

See? Do you see the difference between the ways of letter signing that are available to you?

It’s not that I cannot help you, I can. It is just that I will not.

I suggest that you review the information that I have bestowed upon you and try writing me again, perhaps, if I am satisfied with your progress,  I will help you then.

I was going to help another person but I am now too exhausted after trying to explain to you why I will not (not cannot) help you at this time.

Well done, “Tom”. Not only did you fail to receive help, you ruined this week’s column, not only for yourself- but for all of my readers and myself as well.


Comments