Five Tips For Falling Asleep If You Are Not An Ultra Violet Adult (plus two bonus tips).

Five Tips For Falling Asleep If You Are Not An UltraViolet Adult (plus two bonus tips).

1. Change The Foods You Eat

Not all foods are the same after you swallow them, only some foods are. Some foods are even different from each other before you swallow them. This is the case with most foods. This should be common knowledge but the government has been suppressing it for centuries. That the government suppresses knowledge should not be surprising to you as that is actual common knowledge and not something that should be common knowledge but isn't due to government suppression.

Each food item that you stuff into your face has a unique energy signature. If you are having trouble sleeping, the energy signature of your food may not be helping.

For example, did you know that foods such as coffee and soda pops contain something called "caffeine" which has an energy signature that will stop sleep from occurring in most humans? It also induces an anxious state in many people, which is also bad for sleeping.
Other foods that contain unacceptable levels of sleep stopping energy include:
  • The flesh of all beasts
  • Fish
  • Fruits
  • Vegetables
  • Processed Snacks
  • Candy
  • Gum
  • Bread
  • Grains
  • Fermented water, such as found in beer and wine
  • Pickles
  • Iced creams and other frozen novelties
"What's left to eat?" you may be asking.


That may not be the answer you were wanting or willing to hear, but it is the answer that I have given you and therefore it is the true answer. How do I know this? The mushrooms themselves have told me.

Simply avoid all non-mushroom based foods and you will sleep better than a baby. Even though often times babies are terrible sleepers and they are not a good example for indicating how well one has slept it is the commonly used phrase for indicating that you have slept well.

Why is this the case? I must confess that I no longer know. I used to know, but now I do not. The slang of your people is too perplexing to me. I am used to the straightforward language of the mushroom people, not to the insipid kennings of common humans.

However, if you are having trouble sleeping, sleeping like a baby- once you get used to it- can be an improvement and is often the first step to proper rest.

Ideally, one would sleep like an adult. An UltraViolet adult. If that were the case, you would be well rested and writing advice columns from the comfort of your home instead of being exhausted and reading them from your room in the boarding house while drinking store-brand instant coffee and wondering where your life went.

2. Get A White Noise Machine

This machine must be a white noise machine. The other types of noise machines will be much too raucous. Only the dull, insipid tones of a white noise machine can properly lull a person like you into something that resembles sleep.

3. Do not Make Babies

Aside from being inherently awful at sleeping, babies are a well-known cause of sleep troubles. If you already have babies, the only thing you can do is wait. Sooner or later they will be stolen by local owls and forced to work in their mines or they will grow up and start keeping their sleep troubles to themselves. Either way, your baby related troubles will have sorted themselves out.
If you do not have babies, skip right to the next tip. Come back and read this tip if you find yourself with a baby.

4. Stop Believing Your Problems and Aspirations Are Worth The Sort Of Attention You Give Them

Most of you complain sleep will not come because your head is too busy thinking. This is nonsense. Sleep will not come because you do not know how to make it do so. You cannot just lie there and expect sleep to come. You must lull it in and allow it to be comfortable inside of you, only then will sleeping be an option for either of you.

It is also nonsense that the head of an ordinary person could be capable of thinking the type of thoughts that could be described as "busy" or "important". If you insist on thinking that the world has chosen you alone to be special and important to the point where mentally going over your actions with a fine-toothed comb every night for hours instead of giving into a naturally occurring biological process is a hobby of yours there is no way to reasonably solve your sleep issues. You will have to do more than read advice columns, you will have to seek the advice of experts, such as myself, in person. Send me an email and we can discuss making this real for you. My rates are reasonable, yet my time is valuable.

5. Pills.

Not the kind that your "Medical Doctor" will give you or that your mother tells you Aunt Susan is taking, these monstrosities will do nothing for you.

You need the sort of pills that are labeled "Organic", "All Natural", or "Homeopathic". The bottles should have leaves on them to indicate how natural plastic bottles of condensed and compacted, unregulated plant matter can appear to be. The label should also say they are designed for helping you fall asleep and not for riding oneself of internal parasites. Pills are made for many varied conditions and cannot be taken blindly.

6. Grow Up and Become An UltraViolet Adult.

Once you are able to do this, you will sleep and dream as never before.

7. Listen To My Podcast "The Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow's Sonic Blast Of Wisdom Featuring Me or My Underlings"